"My Secret Santa": A reverse "Tootsie," with a ski resort, a gay couple, a shirtless hunk, Corey c*ck, Dustin's backside, and a n*de Santa Claus

 

Link to the n*de photos

In American offices at Christmastime, it's traditional for everyone to swap names and give them anonymous presents. Thus, "Secret Santa" as title of movies in 2003, 2014, 2015, 2018, 2021, and 2025.  The most recent, My Secret Santa on Netflix, shows two guys hugging Saint Nick, so they may be a gay couple.  Probably not, or there would be headlines all over the internet, but we'll see.

Scene 1: Establishing shot of an iconic small town, with skaters around a gigantic Christmas tree. nuclear families sledding, kids playing hockey, and the Klotz Cookie Company, where the supervisor, Taylor, is checking on the production of cookies shaped like stockings, reindeer, Santa caps, and so on. She rejects one where Santa looks depressed.  A baker asks why she's being so bitchy: she's over-extended financially, in anticipation of her Christmas bonus.

Mr. Clotz calls her over and explains that due to decreased demand for store-bought cookies, he's firing her.  Just before Christmas!  Can she at least get her bonus? 

Scene 2: Home to her crappy apartment, where the landlady yells that she's been late with the rent four months in a row. This was before you were fired?  Not very financially responsible, are you?   

"Sorry, my daughter wanted a new snowboard for Christmas, and of course that took priority."  Are you supposed to be a sympathetic character? Rent before snowboards. 

Into her apartment, where daughter Zoey has just been accepted at Snooty Snowboard Academy.  Just tell her you can't afford it. It's not a degree granting institution anyway. And where's the gay couple?

Scene 3: Taylor tries to sell some of her old records to get some cash.  Record Store Guy (Cam Woodman) only offers a buck apiece, but the rich guy browsing latches on to her Screaming Kittens album -- "these guys were legends!"  They're actually all ladies, not guys.

 "They were great singers, plus incredibly gorgeous.  I was especially attracted to the lead singer, the Most Beautiful Woman in the World....wait, it's you."

Yep, Taylor is the lead singer.  I think the guy knew that, and was just trying to find subtle way to flirt.  It doesn't work, but at least the record store guy ups his offer to $150.

Rich Guy chases her out onto the sidewalk and tries some more passive-aggressive flirting.  She flirts back, but rejects his offer of a date, because otherwise be lousy story. 

Scene 4: An apartment full of movie memorabilia.  Her big brother howling in a wolf mask. "You guys are adorable," Taylor tells him before complaining that she's had two interviews, but no job yet, and she has to pay the Snooty Snowboarding School by next week. Student loans are not an option?  I graduated with $14,000 worth that took over 20 years to pay off.

Big Brother takes the hint and pulls out his wallet.  Then he sees the amount due.  Nope!  If these guys are straight roommates, I'm leaving.

Wait -- Brother's Boyfriend looks up the school, and discovers that employees get 50% off tuition for their dependents.  Usually it's free.  So Taylor just needs a job there.

Big Brother is played by William Vaughn, who may be gay in real life -- he's a comedian, so it's hard to tell.  The Boyfriend, at the bottom of the cast list, may not speak. At all.  He is played by Nathan Kay, who is straight in real life -- his wife wishes him a happy anniversary and says "I love you."

Left: there are no photos of Nathan Kay on his Instagram, except for a few where he's in costume to play an outrageous character of some sort, but he does post a "real photo" of Ben Powles, who plays the bully in "Dear Grandpa, it's Michael."  I don't know what that is.  

Scene 5: The Sundance Ski Lodge, where the boss is complaining that the manager ran off with "that Latvian ski instructor," and their Santa Claus quit, so they're short-handed.  His assistant wants the manager job, but he dismisses her.  Subplot time!

While he is listing the events of the next few days, the Rich Guy from the record store appears -- his son Matthew!  Wait -- is the Sky Lodge right in town?  That makes it easy. 

Meanwhile, Taylor is at the front desk, telling Blake the Concierge (Corey Hendricks) that she'll do anything -- anything -- even clean toilets.  I've never understood why that is used as the worst possible job.  We have two toilets in the house, and cleaning them is no problem at all. A lot better than emptying litter boxes.

He says that they aren't hiring right now -- but just then the assistant walks past, noting that they need someone right away, for $2,000 a month.  A job!  But it's to play Santa Claus.  Bummer!  Wait -- who said that the actor playing Santa has to have a penis?  

More after the break. 

Scene 6: Rich Guy Matthew is a screw-up who just came by so Dad can pay for his latest escapades: damage to statue, $23,000....damage to cafe near statue.... But Dad is tired of giving him money, so this time he's going to work at the resort and pay off his debt.  "I'm going to make you General Manager."

But he's got no experience, and the Assistant, who is super-qualified, wanted the job.  More nepotism.  But at least now he can fall in love with fellow screw-up Taylor.

Scene 7: Back home, Taylor thinks, who says that Santa has to be played by someone with a penis.  Especially with a Big Brother who's an expert at movie makeup.  She calls him and the Boyfriend: they are delighted to do a reverse Tootsie thing.  I'd say reverse Mrs. Doubtfire, but I never saw that movie. I saw Tootsie (1982), with Dustin Hoffman in drag helping women self-actualize.

Cut to a montage of fat suit and chubby-cheek mask creation.  Or you could just say, "Why can't Santa be a woman?" 

Cut to the Assistant interviewing potential Santas.  They're all awful.  Matthew is supposed to be there, but "he's lazy, he's irresponsible..." Wait -- that's how women in movies characterize the men they're going to fall in love with.  I thought Matthew and Taylor were hooking up.

Then Taylor/Santa walks in, wows them, and gets the job.  So, how will she be paid?  Did she open a bank account for her fake identity?

Uh-oh, she is upbraided for using the ladies' restroom.  In some states you are legally required to use the restroom that corresponded to your sex assigned at birth. 

Scene 8: Taylor/Santa is introduced to Jimmy, the Head Elf (Dominic Fox)  A very tall person.  Why couldn't he be promoted to Santa?  Oh, right -- the premise of the movie.

Taylor/Santa has to change into his Santa suit in the health club locker room -- surrounded by naked guys who are bound to see what he's packing.  Not to mention a towel-clad Matthew, who insists that they take side-by-side lockers.  Couldn't you like strap them down and have a t-shirt and boxers on? 

They buddy-bond.  "You're easy to talk to -- not like my Dad."  Just wait until Saint Nick tries to kiss you, buddy.

Whoops, Taylor/Santa dropped his "Pink Unicorn Kissable Chapstick."  Matthew picks it up and stares.  Hey, men and women both have lips.  Why can't men use chapstick?

Scene 9: The Big Christmas Tree Lighting Ceremony.  Matthew has hecklers: "I don't recognize you with your clothes on."  Sounds bi, buddy.   Uh-oh, the lighting goes wrong, and the tree catches fire!  I don't see the point of this -- it wasn't Matthew's fault.

Back home, still in the Santa suit, Taylor/Santa is hit on by the landlady.  Blanche on "The Golden Girls" was turned on by Santa Claus , too: All that red, hot, sweaty flannel, set against the austere coldness of those black, patent leather, jack boots...those rosy cheeks and twinkling eyes bespeak a passion that is about to erupt."

I had a date with Santa Claus when I was living in San Francisco in the 1990s.  N*de photo on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends.

Next up: daughter's first day at the Sun Peak Academy.  "This is the best day of my life," she exclaims, just before some Mean Girls make fun of her.

Mom has tagged along for some reason, not in Santa drag.  Matthew stops by to flirt with her, but she rejects him.  That's Rejection #3.  According to hetero-romance experts, you should ask them out once.  If they say no, and fail to suggest an alternate activity, leave them alone: they're not interested. 

 We discover that Taylor's daughter doesn't know about her Screaming Kittens band. Why not?  Or the Santa job.  So you're setting up a big reveal for no reason?

Scene 10: Taylor changes into Santa drag (in her van).  It's time for the opening of Santa's Village (really just the "sit on Santa's lap" thing).   But first Matthew has to give another speech.  Really?  

Whoops, Santa tries to talk the kids out of the presents they ask for, and recommends "practical" gifts like dental floss.  Then a boy hugs him hard and tears his belly; the stuffing pours out.  You couldn't get a professional fat suit? 

Back to the snowboard academy and the Mean Girls, and then the landlady getting all horny about Santa Baby.

Scene 11:  Second day at work, and more practical gift advice.   

I'm out of space, so I'll jump to a scene where Matthew invites Taylor to a fancy party, but Santa Claus has to be there, too, so she sneaks into the bathroom and has her brother help her into her suit.  Matthew sees the two sets of legs under the stall. and hears "Take that off!  Move this!  Push hard!", and concludes that there are two guys...you know.  

He gets the biggest, most wide-eyed "Now I've seen everything!" expression you have ever seen outside a Warner Brothers cartoon, stumbles out...then Santa Claus comes out of the bathroom.  "Um..I...um...I...um..." he stammers.  "I didn't know...um..."  The possibility that two men might be into each other has never occurred to him before.

After the Big Reveal -- when the Assistant discovers that Santa Claus has been using Taylor's social security number -- we move on to a climactic sequence about Zoey's critical injury, and some speeches about "being true to yourself," I figured they would decide that Taylor could continue playing Santa Claus, but that never occurs to anyone. 

Instead Taylor appears at a public gathering the next night to apologize, and she and Matthew end up discussing how much they love each other -- into a microphone, at a public celebration, while everyone cheers.  

Cut to the concluding scene, on Christmas day, with Matthew, his Dad, Big Brother, his Boyfriend, Zoey, and Taylor.  The landlady drops by to flirt with Matthew's Dad, and the movie ends with a 13-minute long Matthew-Taylor kiss. ).

Beefcake:  Matthew and some extras in the locker room.

Heterosexism: Of course.  It's a romcom.

Sexism: Santa Claus must be played by someone with a penis.

Gay Characters: Presumably Big Brother and his Boyfriend, but they never touch each other or express same-sex desire of any sort.  Viewers who don't want to know could easily say "They're just roommates."

Cringe: About everything.  I'd rather be watching Tootsie.

Left: Dustin Hoffman putting on his Tootsie drag.

My Grade: C.  It would be D, but at least there is a gay couple.

See also: Gavin's Cute/Cool Photos, Part 4: A boy and his bully, a boy and his stuntman, Kelton Dumont, Santa Claus, and some n*de dudes

"Dashing in December": Campy Christmas romcom with gay guys and a ranch that needs saving. Plus Neil Patrick Harris's backside

My Date with Santa Claus

Dustin Hoffman: The Gay Graduate