Mar 7, 2026

"Vladimir": Pretentious English profs have affairs with students and each other. And talk. And talk. With some prof d*cks and backsides

**Link to the n*de dudes**

Vladimir, on Netflix, has a man and a woman both gawking at a hunk as he dives into the pool and climbs out, so there are obviously gay characters. Maybe the hunk is himself gay: he's played by Leo Woodall of Vampire Academy and White Lotus

And some of the episodes are named after literary classics: "We Have Always Lived in the Castle," "The Awakening," "Everything that Rises Must Converge," "Against Interpretation."

I got a M.A. in English and started on a Ph.D. in Comparative Literature before switching to the social sciences, so I'm getting a tinge of nostalgia. Let's go.

Scene 1: A rustic cabin. A lady in her pajamas puts Toni Morrison's Beloved back on the bookshelf and tells us that she will never again have power over another human being. Her students think she's out-of-touch; her daughter dislikes her; and she is no longer able to give men ___.

As she tells us all this, we see that the unconscious Hunk is chained to a chair. He awakens and starts yelling. Well, if you can't give men ___ just by looking at them, this is your next best option.

Scene 2: Six weeks earlier. The lady is buying greens for a salad to take to the faculty retreat -- her 30th. She's been at the college for 30 years! She isn't named on the IMDB or the Episode Cast, so I'll call her Madame X

She notices the Hunk chivalrously getting something from a high shelf for a lady shopper. He glances at her a few times and gets an instant erection, then walks away. Hey, I thought she couldn't do that anymore.

Scene 3: Madame X in her car outside the faculty retreat. She tells us that this one will be fun, because there will be a scandal: a professor (her husband John) caught with students. He texts to ask how f*ked he is.

Inside, they faculty is discussing the situation. Andre (Milton Barnes, bottom photo) reports that there are six accusers now (all female), and over a thousand signatures on the petition demanding Husband John's removal. He'll be suspended until the hearing, and David (Matt Walsh, left) has stepped up as department chair.

Matt Walsh, a founding member of the Uptight Citizens Brigade, has 190 acting credits listed on the IMDB. I've only seen him in animated shows like Rick and Morty.

On RG Beefcake and Boyfriends: he pulls out his d*ck so Will Ferrell can get busy in Get Hard (2015). Will is too disgusted to go through with it. .

Scene 4: 1:30 pm, time to go in and apologize for being late. There are no chairs left, but the Hunk from the supermarket -- a new assistant professor named Vladimir -- offers his. While the meeting drones on (I know all about that!), she zeroes in on his knees and neck.

Scene 5: After the meeting, Madame X is eating Frito pie when the Hunk dismisses the other flirty female profs and zeroes in on her. They discuss how sitting is a lethal habit, so everyone should stand at their desks; it's good for the quads.

Just as he moves on to the shoulder-touching, his wife appears. Ulp, competition! Small talk: she's teaching as an adjunct, she loves Madame X's novel, and she's late because their daughter pooped in her dress. Too much information, girl!

Madame X tries to save face by inviting them "both" over for cocktails. The Wife refuses -- she doesn't drink. Maybe the Hunk could go by himself? Are you pushing them together?

Then David the Department Chair whisks them away. She growls.

Scene 6: Stomping out, Madame X runs into Andre (who reported on the inquest earlier), and asks for a copy of the report on her suspended-and-soon-to-be-fired husband.

She reads it in the car. Pictures of all the complainants, including one with the girl sitting on his lap. "Scandalous!" she tells us.

Scene 7: As husband John (John Slattery) grills steaks, Madame X sets the table outdoors, and asks us why people are scandalized by prof-student affairs. They're fun because of the power differential. The girls who complained are just sad, miserable losers. So you're going to get even with them?

John is the one who gawks at the Hunk in the opening sequence, but I think it's just a tease: he only references hetero interest in this episode.

John's backside is on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends

Later, John swims and complains that there are no rules against profs dating students, and his wife Madame X is fine with it, so what's the problem? Then they discuss compost and growing lettuce (someone actually scripted dialogue about lettuce, yawn), what they hate about the new professors, and not telling their adult daughter Sid about the scandal.

John Slattery, who has been nominated for 4 Primetime Emmys, has 94 acting credits listed on the IMDB. I've seen him in an episode of What We Do in the Shadows and...um...

More after the break

Scene 8: As Madame X enters the giant Brutalist English Building (at the University of Toronto Scarborough) -- she tells us that she and Husband John have always been a golden couple, teaching the most popular classes on campus. (The readings for her Women in American Fiction include The Age of Innocence, The Awakening, and Beloved.)

After class, she meets with three girls at the campus bistro. They suggest that she not do the "supportive wife" thing during her husband's trial. It's ok to admit that he's an evil predator. Wait -- these aren't the complainants. I thought Madame X was going to do something sinister to them.

She responds politely, then rushes off, fuming, then tells us that she once had an affair with Department Chair David: she could get ___ just by looking at his profile. Is everyone in this darn series straight?

Down in the main office, the Secretary tells her that the students got "anxious" after talking to her, so she should be careful to not trigger anything. Uh-oh, you're going to be in trouble next, Madame.

The Hunk drops by the office, and they stare longingly at each other. So hook up. Your partners don't mind, and you're both profs, so there won't be a scandal. What's stopping you?

Scene 9: The train station. Madame X meets her butch daughter Sid. Alexis, no doubt her girlfriend, will be coming by car tomorrow. Lesbian couple, but this series is already so female-heavy, couldn't they have made them gay men?

On the way home, Sid notes that Alexis wants to have a baby. Madame X is totally opposed.

They stop at a bakery called Charlotte Haze, where Madame X runs into a student that she failed. They glare at each other for about five minutes, and then Madame X orders a Bûche de Noël (cake shaped like a Yule Log). But it's not Christmastime. Failed student bitchily wraps it up, and Madame X in her rush to get outta there almost collides with the guy in line behind her. She apologizes, and he says "You're fine," which infuriates her.

I dislike that phrase, also. "I'm sorry" denotes regret over pain or annoyance that you caused someone, so the proper responses are "That's ok" or "No problem," not 'You're fine."

Scene 10: Dinner. John compares The Kardashians to The Oresteia. Madame X thinks this is ridiculous. He criticizes her ability to comprehend evolving art forms, and it turns into a Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf-style insult-fest. Eventually Madame X blurts out about the student scandal.

The Hunk's d*ck on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends.

Daughter Sid is horrified; how could they have had an open marriage when she was growing up, and never told her? That's not the main problem with his activity...

The girls leave, but they take the cake. Wait, Madame X asks for a slice, and they throw the whole thing out the window.

After more boring bickering, and Madame X kicks Husband John out of the house.

Scene 11: Madame X watches an interview with Vladimir about the American novel -- and Nabokov, for some reason, maybe Lolita? But the girls complaining about Husband John were all of legal age. The problem is the power differential.

She falls asleep, and awakens in the morning to dozens of texts from her husband, daughter, and the secretary at the office.

Suddenly the doorbell rings. It's the Hunk, turning in slow motion. She invited him over for cocktails, remember? How late in the day is this? The end.

Wait -- that's it? I expected Madame X to blackmail the complainants, maybe commit a few murders, hold the Hunk hostage, something more than chat. I fast-forwarded through the rest of the series, and it's all chat until Episode 8, when Madame X kidnaps and drugs the Hunk, and finally convinces him to do bedroom stuff. There's also a fire that may or may not have killed him and Husband John. Otherwise it's...just...endless...conversations.

Beefcake: The Hunk is on display.

Gay Characters: The lesbian couple. Gay men do not exist.

Men: S*xual beings only, for women to control through the judicious use of their interest. And there are very, very few of them, even in crowd scenes. This is a world almost entirely occupied by women.