NySocBoy's Beefcake and Buddy-Bonding: Cloverfield: Come for the alien invasion, stay for Godzilla. With Vogel backside, Hud junk, and endless misdirection.

Jun 1, 2026

Cloverfield: Come for the alien invasion, stay for Godzilla. With Vogel backside, Hud junk, and endless misdirection.

**Link to the n*de dudes**

For movie night last night, we saw Cloverfield (2008). I don't usually review movies from that long ago, but there are some nice n*de photos of the cast, the utter lack of LGBTQ representation requires comment (this scene is just a tease), and I have some questions.

The first is: we thought that it would be thematically linked to The Cloverfield Paradox (2018), about a space station that accidentally gets zapped into a parallel universe. But there's no connection except the name. Cloverfield (2008) is a "found footage" movie, presenting a videotape that was found in the ruins of what used to be called Central Park, no doubt dug up by archaeologists thousands of years after our civilization was destroyed by an alien invasion.

There's a prelude that is not connected to the rest of the movie in any way: An extremely wealthy middle-aged man films the ruins of New York from his apartment. There are many fires below, so no doubt the Apocalypse has already begun. He awakens his wife, and they discuss how much they love each other and kiss a lot. He takes his shirt off, but this was a DVD, so I couldn't get a screen shot, and I can't find him in the cast list.

We cut to an interminable party with a huge number of immensely rich young adults, all white except for the token black guy, having interminable boring conversations and being elitist (they're shocked when a lady knows who Superman is). Are straight people's lives really this boring?

The takeaways from the endless boredom are:

1. This is a going-away party for Rob (Michael Stahl-David, top photo and left). He's moving to Japan tomorrow to take a huge, huge promotion with a massive, multi-million dollar pay increase. We never find out what his job is, but I assume it will have something to do with saving the world from the alien invasion.

2. His friends don't think he should go, because he'll have to leave his girlfriend, Beth, who is the most beautiful woman in the world, and way too good for him. It's a miracle that someone that beautiful wanted to be with him in the first place, and he'll never find anyone close, so why would he give her up?

3. Ron and Girlfriend Beth argue, and she goes home. Turns out that he had an affair with Lily. his brother's girl, so now Beth wants to dump him. Fortunately his brother Jason (Mike Vogel, left) doesn't know. yet.

4. Rob's friend Hud (TJ Miller, below) is filming the party, and asking for testimonials from people, but mostly stalking the Girl of His Dreams, Marlena, who seems to be an extremely famous fashion model. She is not at all interested, but he keeps trying. All women have stories about that obnoxious guy who refuses to take "no" for an answer: that's Hud.

Suddenly there's a news story about an oil tanker that overturned in New York Harbor, near the Statue of Liberty. The apartment is in Lower Manhattan -- they can see Harbor from the roof, so they all go up to look. There's a power blackout, and rockets zoom over the city, some exploding. They're being invaded!

Rob says "I know what started this. I saw it." We flash back to the subway, where he's filming his girl, and accidentally catches a sinister-looking bald man, who gets up from his seat. That scene is repeated several times, but it is never explained. It's an alien invasion, not a terrorist attack.

Everyone runs outside. Suddenly the head of the Statue of Liberty crashes onto the street! With a stick up her nose.

More zaps from alien spacecraft zooming across the sky. Plus a giant monster is smashing into buildings, and smaller, human-size spider-beings are killing people. This seems like an inefficient weapon for an invasion.

Everyone runs into an all-night bodega. That is, Rob, Brother Jason, Lily (Jason's girl, whom he had an affair with), Cameraman Hud (left), and the Famous Model. The promo says that there are six friends; this is just five. Will they be joined by someone else later?

The other party guests scatter.

The police or military tell everyone to evacuate the city by crossing the Brooklyn Bridge. Except it is bombed by the aliens, and they have to return to Manhattan.

Rob talks on his cell phone to someone, but all we hear are clicks. Then he says "I know what I have to do," and heads toward the monster! Obviously he was talking to the aliens, and now is under their control. This is never resolved.

They try to take subway tunnels, where they are attacked by the spider-monsters. The Famous Model is bitten. Fortunately, they find a triage unit set up in a department store, but it's too late for the Famous Model: she starts coughing blood, and dies.

Brother Jason has already been killed, I forget how. So only Rob, Cameraman Hud, and Brother's Girlfriend Lily are left.

More after the break

A high ranking military guy tells Rob that they are going to bomb Manhattan into oblivion. The last helicopter leaves at 6:00 am. So the 8 million people living in Manhattan are all going to be evacuated by helicopter, or is Rob special?

But first Rob has to go to Central Park, where his ex-girlfriend Beth is trapped in her apartment. She's 78 flights up, with a girder through her shoulder, but she still manages to run downstairs and dash across the park to the waiting helicopters. Brother Jason's Girlfriend gets on one, and Rob, Ex-Girlfriend Beth, and Cameraman Hud get on the last. Except as they take off, the monster swats at them, and they come crashing down.

Cameraman Hud dies, but the camera keeps running as Rob and Ex-Girlfriend Beth take refuge in a storm drain and tell each other "I love you" before they die. Ugh. Even at the end of the world, it's hetero romance all the way down. And LGBTQ people absolutely do not exist.

But wait, there's more. This entire movie was one massive misdirection. Spoiler alert: there are no aliens!

A Japanese soft drink company was extracting "sea dew" from an oil platform near Connecticut, when they accidentally awakened a Godzilla-like monster and its parasitic spider-beings. It then made its way to Manhattan and started smashing buildings.

Rob "knows what caused this" because he is a high-level employee at the company. The sinister-looking bald man may be another employee who threatened to notify the press, and was ordered killed.

The "alien" spacecraft zapping around were actually military jets bombing the monster.

And the clicking sounds on the cell phone: just bad reception. "I know what I have to do" doesn't refer to alien mind control, but to going to Central Park to rescue Ex-Girlfriend Beth.

In 2008, you could learn all this by deciphering a series of clues provided as part of the marketing campaign. But watching the movie cold, viewers will think that it's a very inept alien invasion.