"What Happens Next": Old Guy Falls for Twink, with Lots of Gay 101 Lessons from the 1970s

What Happens Next (2012), on Amazon Prime,  "explores the meaning, definition and redefining of family, the nature of relationships, the meaning of the varieties of love as a concept, attitude and human experience, fraught with laughter and surprise."  

Pro Tip: if your description uses the word "meaning" more than once, or "fraught" at all, your pretentiousness is showing.  

Wikipedia doesn't have a plot synopsis, although it has a synopsis of another What Happens Next (2012), a documentaary about a famous singer-songwriter that I never heard of.

The director, Jay Arnold, has his own website, where he sells his book, The Cucumber Diet, discusses the various tv commercials he's directed, and give the synopsis of the film, his first (a second, Shoulder Dance, is in pre-production).

So what happens next?

Scene 1: Stultifyingly rich Philadelphia businessman Paul Grecco (John Linstrom), who owns 54 tailored suits and 128 white shirts, sells his stultifyingly successful company.  At home, his boozy sister Elise (Wendy Malick) -- kisses him on the mouth!  Disgusting! -- as she prepares for the party tonight.   Paul tells her that the new owners have forced him into early retirement.  He's never done anything but work -- no hobbies, no pets, nothing.  What is he supposed to do with himself?  

Scene 2: A party full of elegantly attired white people. Not one person of color except the maid!  His friend Irene tells him that her husband is "dating a 12 year old."  I'm aghast, then I realize that she's exaggerating.  She move on to a cluster of biddies.  One thinks that she should throw herself at Paul, but another thinks that it's pointless: Sally dated him for six months, and nada!   She should have discussed her expectations instead of just complaining about him.

Elise gives Paul a puppy.  He balks -- he's never had a pet before!  But she insists -- give it six months, and if you don't like being a pet owner, Elise will take her.

Scene 3:  Montage of Paul and the maid disliking the dog.  Mindy the Dog Groomer advises that it needs to go outside sometimes, so he heads to the dog park (um...when you walk a dog, you don't carry it in your arms)  -- and meets young dog lover Andy (Chris Murray).  Chat, chat, flirt, flirt.

Scene 4:  Paul's nephew Brian (Ariel Shafir) comes for brunch and to complain about his mother Elise: "We don't agree on anything.  She has this picture in her head of what I'm supposed to be, what's socially acceptable..."  So Brian is gay, and his Mom is homophobic?

This was on Ariel Shafir's instagram page: the Egyptian god Horus.  No connection to the movie, but interesting.

Scene 5:  Andy from the dog park drinking wine in his elegantly appointed apartment.  Mindy the Dog Groomer stops by; except she is actually the owner of a snooty art gallery. So everybody in this movie is rich , white, and entitled?  Philadelphia is 40% black.  

Andy has just broken up with his boyfriend.  Mindy offers to introduce him to one of her artists, but he refuses: too young.  He's only into older guys.  How about Paul, then? 

Scene 6:  Montage of Paul and Andy flirting at the dog park, day after day. Eventually Andy comes out.  Paul stares: "I suspected that you were...um...you know...that way"  Wow, what a homophobe!  Andy keeps talking.  His older brother was gay, too, and took him to his first gay bar. Paul:  "Oh, you turned gay because of his influence."  WTF?  What year is this, 1976?  

Paul tells us  that a boy at summer camp tried to kiss him, and he punched him in the nose.  "And I'd do it again."  He rushes off.  This is why you come out before you invest a lot of time in a guy.  He might not realize that you're flirting.  

Scene 7:  Paul continues to hang out with Andy at the dog park.  One day Andy is wearing a PFLAG cap; he explains that it's a support group for the parents and friends of gay people. In the old days, when having a child or friend come out resulted in  alarm and confusion, PFLAG provided an essential service.  Now you're just an ally. What year is this?

Andy's friend Jasper, an over-the-top gay stereotype of the sort you only see in homophobic movies, swishes over to gossip, and implies that Andy and Paul are dating.  Paul is horrified, and rushes away.  

The next day, Andy asks why Paul is uncomfortable around swishy queens.  "They're too gay...it's ok to be interested in men, but that doesnt' mean you have to wiggle when you walk!'  Andy gets offended, but Paul continues: "I've been one way my whole life, and now I'm confused about us...this whole thing."  Dude, you're friends who hang out at the dog park.  No one has mentioned dating.  

Andy is shocked; he had no idea that there was an "us."  But he's open to dating: he's attracted to "straight-acting" guys; why not an actual straight guy?   The idea that gay men reject other gay men for being too feminine, and fall in love with straight guys whom they can't have, dates from the 1930s.  It's long since been disproven.  What year is this?  They continue to hang out, talk, and cruise the hunks in the park. 

Sceene 8: While Paul goes on a date with Irene (remember her?), Andy discusses his dilemma with his bff Mindy (remember her?).  He argues that dating a straight guy would be perfect, the best of both worlds, masculine yet up for sex. Or maybe he's gay, just coming out at age 55!  

Mindy's boyfriend arrives, and they all have dinner. Girl, you were just criticizing Andy for liking older guys, and your boyfriend looks about 50!

I'm out of space, and low on beefcake images, so I'll stop the Scene-by-Scene there.  All you need to know is that:

1. Paul investigates "the gay lifestyle" by flirting with other guys and ordering porn in the mail (how about reading a book on gay history, or contacting one of the dozens of gay organizations in Philadelphia).    Eventually he's ready for dinner with Andy.  They kiss and have sex (off camera).  But then Paul decides that he's not ready to identify as gay, and dumps Andy.  For about ten minutes.

2. Never try to kiss someone when you're both wearing baseball caps.

3. Elise suspects that her son Brian is gay, and is horrified that she "turned him that way," , until her nail-stylist friend informs her that you don't "turn" gay, it's just who you are.  What year is this?  She talks Elise into going to a PFLAG meeting, where she meets Andy, without realizing that he's helping Paul come out (this is before their date).  They have a lengthy Gay 101 conversation.  What audience are they aiming at, that needs to hear that "it's not a choice?

4. Brian is actually straight.

5.  Mindy gets a cute assistant (James Duke Mason, top photo) and makes a racist comment that goes unchallenged.