Scene 1: A lot of people and whales frolicking on the beach in Nantucket. "You are invited to Benji and Amelia's Rehearsal Dinner," held in a white tent on the estate. The photographer asks Mrs. Rich Lady how she feels about losing her son -- he means because he's getting married. She's ok with it, but insists that her teenage son never get married. Creepy clinging mom.
Top photo: Sam Nivola says that it's him on his Instagram, but Just Jared says it's Patrick Schwarzenegger. Who to believe?
The three sons are Benji, Thomas, and Will, played by Billy Howle, Jack Reynor, and Sam Nivola, but I'll call them the Groom, the Teen, and the Other Guy.
Their dad is Tag, played by Liev Schreiber. Tag? Did he have a brother named Yahtzee?
Next the Maid of Honor discusses how much she loves the Bride, and her girlfriend looks forward to their wedding in the future . Aww, a lesbian couple. Then the girlfriend's boyfriend asks what will happen to him. They joke that he can look after their seven kids. Oh, they're just pretending to be gay.
The girlfriend's boyfriend is Shooter, played by Ishaan Khatter.
Next a Halloween witch complains that her hotel room is dégoûtant, but she won't stay with them because she likes her privacy. The Groom asks about the champaigne and touches her hand...wait, he's cheating on his wife with a Halloween witch? Or maybe he's just pretending, like the lesbian couple.
Lots more rich heterosexuals are introduced, but let's get on with the plot: Groom Benji says "I love this woman to death. Hear me -- to DEATH!!!!" Dude, you might as well just say "I'm going to murder her."
Scene 2: Cut to a woman screaming "Help me," underwater shots, and dawn, with a snoring, elderly cop who looks like Captain Kangaroo getting the call. Deputy Carl -- guy's 80 years old, and hasn't gotten promoted yet?
He calls another elderly guy who is at home, drinking coffee beneath photos of his daughter to identify him as heterosexual. Chief Dan, played by Michael Beach.
Into his daughter's bedroom: "Your catering job is being cancelled. Nobody's getting married today. Somebody died."
Scene 3: Wedding Planner Roger, gruff Lady Detective, and the Chief at the crime scene -- a cabana chair on the beach. Roger says he didn't know Miss Sacks well; he mostly planned through the mother. Miss Sacks is the Bride! Groom Benji killed her, like he promised!
Cut to the station, where Wedding Planner Roger, the Halloween Witch, and the Pretend Lesbian are interviewed. Roger: "They're rich. Kill someone and get away with it rich."
Intro: The family and wedding guests performing a dance, like from a Bollywood movie.
Scene 4: The Bride, Miss Sacks, being interviewed, in her wedding dress even though the wedding was scheduled for later in the day. Wait -- I thought she was victim. They said "Miss Sacks" at the crime scene. That must have been a misdirection.
Cut to that morning. The Bride awakens to a note from her fiance: "Good morning. I love you." There's a ladybug on it, so she walks out to the beach. This sequence has no purpose other than to show us the Bride's boobs.
Mrs. Winbury is running the wedding preparations with an iron fist; everyone is cowering. The fam comes down to breakfast in identical blue robes and starts sniping at each other, taking drugs, and criticizing the Teen for getting dumped by his girlfriend. Pencil-dick?
More after the break, including frontal nudity
Scene 5: Back to the interviews. Everybody wants to f*k the Groom's Dad, Tag. Tag? Cut to him playing golf on the beach. This must be the day before the murder, not that morning.
Meanwhile, a lady asks Mrs. Winbury how she liked the bracelet that Tag bought for her. What bracelet? She goes through his papers and finds the receipt for $18,000,000. Uh-oh, he's got a girlfriend on the side.
The Groom -- Jack Raynor, remember? --comes in to yell at her for being snooty to the Bride. Sure, she's not rich, and comes from a family that doesn't hate each other, but that's no reason to look down on her. "But she's shown no interest us, dear. She needs to learn how to be rich and how to hate your family."
Next, Mrs. Winfield calls her publicist to cancel the article in People next month. The title would have been: "The Perfect Couple."
Next: a call from Broderick Graham. She lets it go to voice mail. So she's having an affair, too.
Scene 6: The interviewees criticizing Mrs. Winfield.
Cut to the Groom's Dad, Tag -- Liev Schrieber, remember -- and the Bride picking up her parents. She cautions that her mother has cancer, and is self-conscious about her wig.
They arrive at the house and meet the fam, who criticize and correct each other: "It's not a martini, it's a mojito."
Maid of Honor and her hubbie Shooter arrive. Various people glare at them, due to hatred or secret affairs, I'm not sure which.
The Teen, the one whose girlfriend dumped him, gazes longingly at one or the other. He says "I love your shoes," and the camera zooms in on them. This will be an important clue.
Scene 6: Back to the interviews. Everyone criticizes Maid of Honor for being a slut. I'll bet she's the murder victim.
Cut to the Other Son, the one with the pregnant wife, accusing his Dad Tag of having an affair with a canoe, har har. They discuss the wedding: "Tomorrow our blue-eyed boy becomes a man." Wait -- don't heterosexuals call having sex with a lady "becoming a man"? You have to get married too?
By the way, the Other Son hates his wife: she's got "my nuts in a vice." Just tell her you're not into BDSM. Also he made some bad investments and needs a loan. "Nope, you're a screw-up."
Scene 7: More Bride boobs as she discusses how much she hates Mrs. Winfield with the Maid of Honor. No fair! Boobs but no beefcake! I'm fast-forwarding.
Scene 8: The Bride's Mom, the one with cancer, even sleeps with her wig on. She awakens to find her husband gone and a "love you" note, takes some pills, and...nothing.
We cut to the Groom giving the Bride a painting of her. They kiss -- OMG, you do not kiss someone by opening your mouth as wide as you can and moving in like you're going to swallow their head! That's disgusting.
Cut to them in bed, Bride's boobs and Groom's head. The sex was terrible. "What was this about?" Groom asks, frustrated.
Scene 9: Back to the wedding rehearsal dinner. Various people snipe at each other. The Other Son asks if the Bride and Maid of Honor are a couple. "It doesn't mean she doesn't love you...your money."
Wait -- the Maid of Honor was pretending to be in a lesbian relationship with someone earlier. Was that the Bride?
Cut to splashes and murder, and everyone waking up the next morning, looking guilty. The end.
Beefcake: None. Lots of boobs.
Other Sights: Establishing shots of Nantucket.
Gay Characters: The Wedding Planner, played by long-time gay actor Tim Bagley. He's rather open. The Bride and the Maid of Honor may be having a gay affair.
Heterosexism: Lots of heterosexual couples, but they mostly hate each other.
The Murderer: Everyone was sleeping with the Maid of Honor, or in love with someone she was sleeping with, so everyone has a motive. At this point I don't know who did it.
My Grade: B
See also: Midsommar: Murderous pagans, Christian cock, and Jack Reynor nude
Under the Banner of Heaven: Sin, sleaze, murder, and beefcake among Mormon fundamentalists. With Billy Howle.
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