Link to the n*de dudes
Scene 1: Port Haven, Nova Scotia, 1816. A woman runs through the woods at night, chased by villagers with torches yelling "Get the witch!" There were no witchcraft trials in Canada. She comes to the lake and jumps in.
Scene 2: Minneapolis, present day. At an assembly, a high school student is singing "Crazy," by Patsy Cline (1961).
Crazy for feeling so blue
What high schooler has even heard of that song? Why not something contemporary, unless it's relevant to the story?
Alice waits backstage, anxiously peering out at men in suits milling through the crowd. No doubt government agents wanting to weaponize her witchcraft powers.
When it's her turn, she goes onto the stage, but sees the men in suits and runs away, pulling a fire alarm to throw them off the trail.
Scene 3: Mom arrives at the school. Turns out that one of the suit guys is Alice's Dad (Al Mukadam). The other was a random parent in the audience, put in as a misdirection. So why was she so scared of her father that she ran away?
Top photo: Eventually we'll meet Dad as a teenager, played by Siddharth Sharma.
More back story: the parents are divorced (no doubt so they can get back together). and Mom just lost her job as a reporter.
Dad offers to pay the fine for setting off the fire alarm, and make "another generous donation" to the school, but it's too late: Alice is constantly causing trouble, and this is the last straw. She's expelled. Get out.
Scene 4: Mom and Dad call all of Alice's friends, but they don't know where she is. She's been "running with a different crowd," no doubt a witchcraft coven.
Turns out that Alice is at home, having a pizza party with the perfectly respectful looking "different crowd."
Plot hole: She just ran out of the assembly ten minutes ago, in the middle of a school day. How did she have time to invite a dozen people to a pizza party? How could they make it?
Alice is hanging out with a hipster dude, whom Mom voices strong disapproval of. He seems perfectly nice. What's your problem?
Scene 5: Having cleared out the house, Dad returns to work, and Mom lays into Alice: "Why did you duck out on the talent show? You are so talented! You have such a gift!"
She explains that she doesn't want to sing anymore, and "you're never there for me," yada yada yada. When does the witchcraft show up?
Mom checks her mail: A letter from Del Landry in Port Haven, Nova Scotia (where the witchcraft chase in Scene 1). No doubt something sinister, like "The Reckoning has begun! Bring the Chosen One and three chickens for the sacrifice!"
Darn, it's just her mother, asking her to come for a visit. Why am I writing a more interesting story in my head?
Scene 6: Establishing shots of nowhere, Nova Scotia. They're not just visiting, they're moving back home. Back story: Mom lost her little brother, Jacob, at a young age. That's why she left. I'll bet he was just sucked into a time vortex.
Left: I was right. Young Jacob is played by Remy Smith, and Grown-up Jacob by Spencer Macpherson (backside and d*ck on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends).
They arrive at the huge picket-fence farmhouse. A very scary lady with a flat face and Medusa-hair meets them. They don't hug, but she is impressed by Alice. Inherited your witchcraft powers?
Scary Lady is played by Andie MacDowell, best known for another time-slip movie, Groundhog Day (1993). She's almost unrecognizable under the scary makeup.
Scene 7: While Scary Lady gives Alice a tour, Mom goes inside and hears her little brother laughing as his feet rush upstairs. A ghost or just a memory? She also sees his toys and such.
Scene 8: As Alice leaves the house, she sees the gardeners working on a flower bed. One of them (Kataem O'Connor) glares at her. He is overwhelmed by hatred, either because he actually hates her, or because he realizes that they were meant to be together, and the relationship will be very difficult. It's sometimes hard for actors to distinguish.
He says hello. She flashes a look of utter disgust, and rushes back inside. Why are you so disgusted by the thought of dating him, girl? Because he's a mortal, and the other witches will disapprove?
Inside, Grandma is laughing. "You did that on purpose!" Alice exclaims. Did what, hired a cute guy? I don't get why Alice is so upset.
More after the break. Caution: Explicit.
Scene 9: Grandma is yelling at Elliot (Evan Williams) for mailing the letter asking Mom and Alice to visit. "Why would you do such a stupid thing? I don't want them here!" Why, because of the Curse?
Mom comes out and hugs him.
Back story: He moved away, too, but returned a few months ago to teach science at the high school. And he's divorced, so free to marry Mom, if he can convince her that they're destined to be together this time around.
Mom is shocked that he married someone. Apparently she assumed that, when she refused to go out with him, he would be alone forever.
For his part, Elliot is absurdly, jaw-to-the-floor shocked that Mom has a daughter. Reign in the over-acting a bit, buddy. Most married women over 40 have kids. Or are you shocked because you recognize Alice as the Chosen One?
Scene 9: At school, everyone glares at the new girl, except Spencer, the gardener from before, actually a student at the school doing community service on Grandma's farm.
Ulp, he introduces his girlfriend. Then what was the point of the meet-cute?
Scene 10: Science class, but the chalkboard looks like really complicated wave-vector calculations. Wait -- chalkboards? What year is this? Teacher Elliot -- whoa, nice bulge, buddy -- introduces himself as Mom's old friend: "I grew up on the farm next door." Then: "If you ever need someone to talk to, I'm here. Any place, any time." Alice is creeped out by this, and I don't blame here. Why are you coming on so strong, dude? Are you into her? Or her biological father? Or maybe you know that horrible things are about to happen.
On her way out of class, she is pranked by mean kids who know about the fire-alarm bit.
Scene 11: Mom goes into the basement and remembers her brother and dad working on a mechanical project of some sort.
Left: Grandpa Colton is played by Jefferson Brown (n*de on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends).
Alice doesn't like her new school, after one day, so she skips, and when Mom lambasts her about it, runs away to the pond from Scene 1. She throws Mom's bracelet in, and then changes her mind, reaches in to retrieve it, and falls in. Vines grab her and pull her down -- glub, glub, drown, drown -- but then a hand pulls her back up again.
Her rescuer introduces herself as "Katherine Landry, but you can call me Kat." Hey, that's Mom's name. Alice soon realizes that she has gone back in time to 1999, when Mom was a teenager.
Back in the present, Mom and Elliot discuss Alice's disappearance. He is certain that she will be ok. Mom is suspicious: "How can you be sure?"
Scene 12: Kat brings Alice back to her farm. Teenage Elliot calls down from the barn that it's a pink moon tonight, and you know what that means! Human sacrifice? No, just science nerd stuff. Kat snubs him.
Next we meet Grandpa Colton. He congratulates Kat for getting an article published.
Kat gets Alice some dry clothes and invites her to stay for dinner. How about getting her checked out at urgent care, or calling her parents? We meet the middle-aged Grandma and Uncle Jacob, a young boy. Grandpa Colton discusses the body parts of his wife. In front of his kids and a guest? Totally cringe, dude.
Uh-oh, Alice has to make up a back story fast, so she says her parents are divorced -- not a problem in 2025, but a major scandal in 1999. Everyone is shocked and sympathetic.
In other news, Kat got a job as a camp counselor across the border, in Maine. Will something sinister happen there? I'm still waiting for the dark secrets and evil entities.
Scene 13: Back in 2025, Mom lambasts Grandma for not caring that Alice is missing. Obviously she didn't care about her little brother Jacob, either. If she wasn't so selfish, he would still be alive.
In 1999, Alice is ready to leave. The little boy tells her to be careful of the White Witch, who haunts the woods and snatches kids. Finally, something paranormal! She goes to see Teen Elliot (David Webster): "You once told me that you would help me any place, any time." He is mystified -- they only just met.
Meanwhile, in 2025, the grown-up Elliot goes to the pond to await Alice's return. He knows about the time travel. The end.
Beefcake: Some cute guys, no one shirtless.
Gay Characters: None specified.
Heterosexism: Just Grandpa Colton's cringe.
My Grade: Where is the paranormal? The witch in Scene 1 set the stage for a story about witchcraft, dark magic, demonic forces, supernatural beings, curses, and all we are getting is a magical pond that allows Grandma, Mom, and Alice to reconcile. It's as bad as queerbaiting.
But at least I got to see Al Mukadam (for about ten seconds), Spencer MacPherson's d*ck (from Leaked Meat), Siddharth Sharma's abs, and the cute guy below:
See also:November 22, 1963: Failed writer goes back to practically perfect 1960. Does he buddy bond, or meet The Girl?
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