Link to the n*de dudes
Scene 1: A Wacky Scientist (Ben Schwartz) working in a room full of old-fashioned desktop computers and dot-matrix printers. The quantum stabilizers are engaged, so he wolf-howls with joy and sings a rap song about being the greatest person on Earth (but really, aren't all rap songs saying that?). Continuing his song, he heads to the chalkboard and finishes his equation.
Uh-oh, the portal starts to glow, and a figure appears. Wacky Scientist pulls a gun to defend himself, and accidentally shoots himself, and sets the lab on fire. Must be him from the future.
Scene 2: A sixth birthday cake, and a lot of people yelling "Welcome back, Jimmy!", but Jimmy is at least 80, unless the old guy they're cheering is someone else.
Yep, Jimmy is off to the side, not the guest of honor at his own party; everyone is cheering his Crime Lord Dad (Keith David). And it's not his birthday: he's out of prison after six years. Director: why have the guest of honor off to the side, while everyone cheers his father? Do you have any idea how confusing that is?
Jimmy yells "Get loose, biatch!", whereupon everyone applauds, and a cute Short Guy yells "Awright!" They must be responding to his catch phrase?
Crime boss Dad notes that someone in this room is responsible for Jimmy going to prison, and he'll be dealt with tonight. But for now, have fun.
Scene 3: A Sleazoid, standing at the bar, gets flirted with by a lady, while a Posh Guy glares at him; three ladies smooze; the Short Guy flirts with a sleeveless Muscle Hunk, then walks off with him. A hookup!
I checked the cast list:
Slezoid: Mike (James Marsden)
Posh Guy: Nick (Vince Vaughn)
Short Guy: Dumbass Tony (Arturo Castro, left)
Muscle Hunk: Roid Rage Ryan (Lewis Tan, top photo.).
Posh Guy is glaring because the lady flirting with the Sleazoid happens to be his wife, Alice. She asks if he's going to the after-after-after party. He's not, because he hates her, so she turns her attention back to the Sleazoid.
Scene 4: Sleazoid, with flowers and wine, walks through dim blue-lit hallways. It looks like a s*x club, but it's actually a regular hallway in this hotel (crazy!), leading to a regular (albeit extremely dim) suite. He calls Posh Guy's Wife to tell her that he left a key at the front desk for their hookup.
There's a knock on the door. "Holy shit!" Sleazoid exclaims. It's Posh Guy -- did he catch on that Sleazoid is cheating with his wife? "I know you're in there!!! Open up!!!"
Sleazoid texts the Wife. "Don't let him in! If he knows about us, he'll kill you!"
Turns out that Sleazoid is an enforcer, breaking legs and murdering people, and Posh Guy has a job for him: "it might get heavy and weird."
"But I wanted to go to Jimmy's after-after-after party."
"Nope, this is too important."
"I'm planning to leave the business, so no killing. But I'll beat someone up for you."
Scene 5: They drive to Posh Guy's house. He tells Sleazoid to take some chloroform and knock out the person who answers the door, no matter who it is.
Arturo Castro's backside is on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends. I didn't have enough to make a full profile, but you're going to get his d*ck before this review ends.
The door is answered by: Posh Guy himself! Wearing another outfit.
The chloroform doesn't work. They fight. There's fireplace pokers, photos of wives, aquariums, and a trophy, and finally Posh Guy is killed.
Scene 6: Our Posh Guy arrives, and is not happy to find the house destroyed and the Other Posh Guy dead. Plus "The Crime Boss will be here soon, and he can't see you."
They clean up just in time for Sleazoid to hide.
Crime Boss arrives, and tells Posh Guy that he knows who ratted out his son Jimmy to "those pig c*cksuckers." Homophobic slur, in 2026! I am disgusted. You get one more before I'm outta here.
More after the break
"The rat is....your old friend Sleazoid."
He hired an assassin named the Barron to take him out before the end of Jimmy's after-after party. The Barron is a cannibal assassin: he kills you, then eats you. That would take weeks. And we see him getting off a plane. How is he going to transport 200 pounds of human meat across the country?
Barron is played by 1980s action hero Dolph Lundgren, seen here hanging upside down with his butt on display.
Scene 7: When Crime Boss leaves, Posh Guy explains that he knows Sleazoid is not a rat, because he already lived through this night. Sleazoid dies, so he traveled back in time to save his life. So the present-day Posh Guy is dead; shouldn't you be dead, too? Time paradox, buddy.
"Unfortunately, there's another Posh Guy out there who will screw things up -- he just stole my car!" Wait -- a third Posh Guy? Did he travel from the future twice?
Scene 8: The After Party. Jimmy snorts cocaine. His Short Guy buddy asks if his d*ck still works; he's over 30 now, when your performance becomes an issue.
"Is your d*k ok?" Jimmy asks.
"Well, I start out ok, but I start having problems during the act." Neither of them specify going with ladies; a good sign. .
Scene 9: Flashback (or flash-forward) to six months from today. The Wacky Scientist from Scene 1 is talking to a girl about her new husband -- a gangster!
"Yeah, it's not that great. He's nice, and funny, but he works long hours, and I can't get the blood out of his shirts. Plus he's cheating on me." Big Reveal: She means Posh Guy! She'd like to leave him without being killed, but how?
In other news, the Wacky Scientist needs money for his time-travel research. "My husband is a loan shark, but..." If only he could get the money without being killed! We've got a "throw Mama from the train" thing going on?
Six months later, the loan is due, so Posh Guy goes to Symon's lab, steps into a sinister-looking booth, and sees some time travel controls. Why not go back to the past and save his good buddy Sleazoid? It wasn't deliberate? Damn, I can write a better story.
Posh Guy continues the story: When the doors opened, he saw Wacky Scientist with a gun, shot him, and the bullets set the whole lab on fire. So he can't go through the time machine again. Wait -- so Posh Guy from today is dead, and no one can go through the machine again. Who is the Posh Guy #3 who stole his car? Did Posh Guy from Today survive a head-bashing in?
After they leave, Sleazoid and Our Posh Guy rush in and knock him out. "That guy? Huge d*ck," the clerk exclaims. Presumably he means d*ck as in a-hole, but I'll check.
All I found of Vince Vaughn was an underwear shot, but I put the backside of sales clerk Dylan Playfair on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends.
Today's Posh Guy comes to (say what? That's twice he's got his head bashed in and lived). There's another big fight that destroys the convenience story, and they finally get him tied up and shoved into the trunk.
Next, Our Posh Guy tells Sleazoid to text his wife and tell her to meet them in a parking garage, so she'll be safe from the Barron.
Har-har, that's who Sleazoid is having an affair with, but he has to pretend not to know her: "Um...I'm not sure I have her number...what's her name again?...oh, here it is, under 'Nick's Wife.'"
And I'm out of space.
Beefcake: N*de guy in the sauna, some muscle shirts.
Heterosexism: There's the affair, but no one does any hugging and kissing.
Homophobia: Two "c*cksucker" slurs.
Gay Subtexts: Romance between Sleazoid and Posh Guy; each goes back in time to rescue the other. Short Guy and Muscle Hunk; they throw money at female strippers while discussing how much they miss their good buddy.
Jimmy gets a lap dance at the after-after party, but isn't into it. Later, he is gifted with a roomful of ladies. "Is it just you, or will there be guys here, too?" When they say "Just us," he runs.
The after-after-after party is all guys, getting high, dancing together, lifting weights, and sitting naked in a sauna. It doesn't take much to read it as a gay party.
My Grade: B
As promised, Arturo's d*ck is on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends.
See also: Harrison Houde: It's Bowie! Plus gay-adjacent tv, synth-wave music, and a pink Ford. With Diego, Harrison butts, and Nemo d*ck With Dylan Playfair.
"Broad City": This ain't your Daddy's "Seinfeld.". With Arturo Castro.
"Home Economics": Gay and Straight Siblings Obsess over Money With Jimmy Tatro.
James Marsden: Former Teen Idol Plays Gay, with Kissing and Everything
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