I Hate" "I Hate Kids": Transphobia, Camp,and an Endless Parade of Ladies

I grew up with the "wife and kids" mantra being pushed at me over and over every day.  When I moved to West Hollywood in 1985, it ended; gay men simply didn't have kids, period. Out of the question.  Now it's back.  Most of the twinks I hook up with expect "marriage and children" in their future. I run away.

So I Hate Kids, on Amazon Prime, had an appealing title.  And the star was the Tituss Burgess, the flamboyantly out Titus from The Umbreakable Kimmie Schmidt, so there was obviously a gay presence.

Scene 1: Establishing shot of L.A., and the morning radio program. A bad psychic named the Amazing Fabular (Tituss) is conning people.  Suddenly he has a real vision and says the name "Mason."

Scene 2: Six months later, the wealthy, elite Nick (Tom Everett Scott) drops his car off and enters an elite club.  A fan wants him to sign a copy of his best-selling book, I Hate Kids   Suggesting that some people might not want to have kids!  Controversial!  Genius!  But the fan has kids....

He goes to a fancy dinner and smooches Syd, the woman he loves.   It's a wedding reception or pre-wedding dinner or something. A heterosexual who doesn't want kids?   I figured he was gay.

Scene 3:  A nerdy teen or young adult arrives.  Mason, no doubt.  He crashes the party and announces that Nick is his dad.  I saw that one coming from the blurb.

Nick doesn't believe it, but the Amazing Fabular shows up to explain his psychic vision, backed up by a DNA test.

Scene 4: The rehearsal dinner is over.  Syd and Kelly (whoever that is) are angry with Nick over his "prank.".   Syd and Nick spend more time kissing than talking.  Every sentence begins and ends with a kiss.  It's nauseating.

Later, Nick meets with Mason and the Amazing Fabular, who explain how they got a sample for the DNA test, in boring detail.

 Nick is upset; having a kid will ruin his brand.  Plus Syd doesn't want kids.  So?  Mason is an adult; she won't be actually raising him.

Mason's goal: his elderly foster mother is being moved into a nursing home, so he needs to find his biological mother to avoid being put into foster care.

Wait -- isn't there another relative who can take care of him?  Or...here's an idea...move in with Nick.

Whoa, Mason is 13! I was guessing mid-20s.  Actor Julin Feder doesn't have a birth date listed on IMDB, but he's obviously a grown-up.

Scene 5: Nick tells Syd and Kelly that he got asked to lecture at a college at the last minute.  Then he meets with the guys with the list of every woman he slept with 14 years ago. Lots!  They'll of course have to take a road trip to interview each of them.  Or -- make some phone calls?

Scene 6: First up, Carla, who is eager for the opportunity to punch Nick (saw that one coming).

Later, Fabular asks Nick why he's such a mess, a steaming cloud of bitterness.  Nick wonders what Fabular's angle is.  (I've been wondering that myself)

Scene 7: Next up: Janice, who has a houseful of mannikins she thinks are real.  Gulp. Isn't this the same plotline as Season 3 of Bojack Horseman?

Scene 8: A montage of several ladies slamming doors in their faces.  Meanwhile, Syd is getting fitted for a wedding gown.  Kelly has been snooping around, and finds out that Nick lied about the last-minute lecture.

Scene 9:  Next up:  Winny, who has come out as transgender, and is now named Freddy.  They're all shocked.  Transphobic?  He states that the day after he slept with Nick, he went out and had the surgery.  That's not at all the way it works, idiots.  Sex confirmation surgery comes at the end of a long process.  You have to be living as a member of your transition sex for years. 

Scene 10:  They're getting tired and frustrated (so am I, actually)

They are pulled over for speeding,  Mason talks his way out of a ticket.

Meanwhile, Kelly and Syd snoop,and find out about the ex-girlfriends.

Scene 11: Next up -- yawn -- Christine.  How are they visiting all these people on the same day in L.A. traffic?  How are they all home?  How...

Christine is a fast-talking, hard-driven career woman who built an empire because she can't have kids.  You heard it here, ladies -- kids or career. Pick one.

Meanwhile, Kelly is going into labor.

Scene 12:  Next up -- he narrowed the list down to one month, right?  I don't have sex with that many people in a month, and I go to sex parties. Schyler, a martial arts instructor.

Turns out that Schyler knows Fabular, and his past "bilking old ladies out of their checking accounts."  Please tell me that Fabular wasn't sleeping with those ladies!  His gayness is the only thing keeping me slogging through.

Fabular confesses to Nick that he is, in fact, a con artist (what a surprise!)., but Mason was a real, authentic psychic experience.  Helping Mason will give him a chance at redemption.  Nick, too.

Nick kicks him outof the group.

Scene 13:  Mason's real Mom is horrible. Crass, a smoker, a drunk, with a dirty house and a  bunch of rowdy kids.  No way will Nick leave Mason with her!

He leaves Mason with her!

Scene 14:  Back home, Syd wants to call off the wedding because she decided she wants kids after all.  No problem -- Nick knows where they can get one!  Except Mason ran away from his horrible biological mother.

Scene 15: Fabular is giving a speech.  Nick and Syd ask him to use his psychic powers to find Mason. What do you think happens next?

"He's right behind you."

Beefcake:  No.  An endless parade of middle-aged women, but no middle aged men.  No partners around for any of the ex-girlfriends.  Kelly is pregnant with no partner around.

Here's Johnny Visotcky from the very bottom of the cast list.

Gay characters:  Fabular is flamboyant and campy, but doesn't say or do anything indicating gay identity.  Mason doesn't express any heterosexual interests.

Transphobia:  Yes.

Moral:  Everybody should have kids.

My Grade:  I'm too bored to bother.